BorehamBlog

Just overheard this on the BBC 24hour Wales channel that has been broadcasting live footage of a lost 18ft whale non stop for the last 2 days whilst ignoring the fact that 5million people in the horn of Africa are facing immediate stavation through famine (but who cares about that? - whales are cuter)

Newsreader (running out of something new to say) : Biology expert, can you just give us an idea of what the people next to the whale might be doing, what they might be saying to it to calm it down?

Biology Expert: Well, I’m afraid I don’t know what on earth you are talking about Peter because no one I know speaks the language of whales.

Its called Welsh, isn’t it?

We had our monthly kidzklub this morning. Its an event run by our church that has about 80 kids com. We play stupid games, muck about with porridge and water pistol’s dance, sing and teach about good ways for kids to live their life and tell them about Jesus.

Its hard work and today I was half asleep and made some huge mess-ups, but it did not really matter and everyone had a great time. Its a bit like saturday morning kid’s TV performed live with a budget of 60p. Considering everything its a really great show.

The event has made an impact in getting the profile of the church raised within the community and we have been able to pray with a number of families. All part of the bigger picture of letting people know there is some good news out there.

Mr Gilles Leroy, herbalist, leaf picker and retired cocktail waitress of the Leatherhead vicinity today saved cyclist Stuart Boreham from almost certain slight cold (or ‘death’ as the Daily Express would put it) after the hapless adventurer exploded his back tyre (or ‘tire’ as the New York Post would put it) nearly 4 miles from civilisation on Leith Hill in Surrey.
What began as a friendly biking jaunt into the woods with some friends at 6.45am soon turned into a life and death situation as 41 year old phonographer Mr Boream (aged 3 found he was unable to effect a repair and complained of feeling ‘a bit parky’ as the rain began to fall.

Mr Leroy (pronounced ‘Leroy’) suggested an ancient remedy of stuffing leaves into the tyre using time honoured French methods. To his great satisfaction, this enabled Mr Boneham, 43, wearing a muddy blue jacket, matching filthy shorts and a silver helmet made from sheepgut, to almost cycle a further 300 yards without incident.

Mr Leroy (27) was later hear to say ‘You English never listen to anything we say - no wonder we gave you such a beating at Waterloo’ before moving off to help police with their enquiries. His later attempts to rescue Mr Buttman, 56, wearing a light blue dress with matching stilleto heels, by driving around the Surrey lanes in his car until Leroy found him, were much appreciated and Leroy’s sentance has been reduced to life with time off for good behaviour.

 
The failed Leroy Leafy Tyre Boot in all its hideous glory.

Mexican chicken, popcorn chicken, corn beef hash, pork and apple Rostis, southern fried Poppas – the list is endless, or so it seems at the moment whilst we are still shooting and I’ve been at it for 6 hours. Still, you get to eat the leftovers which is great.

I’m working for Imagefarm, a company where an mate of mine, Brian Benford, is the food designer and product ‘initiator’. He and his wife Angela have come up with some brilliant ideas.

I was amazed when they showed me the food production. Here wheelie-bins full of chicken frozen chicken from Thailand or fresh chicken from Holland are processed with industrial efficiency using such equipment as ‘blast freezers’ - rooms bigger than our living space that run at minus 40 degrees centigrade. The final products look like they have been lovingly handcrafted by your granny in Devon but are in fact turned out in batches if 10,000 by Brian and his co-workers on an industrial estate in Wembley at incredibly low price points.

I went out for a spin on my road bike this morning and after struggling up the 2 biggest hills in the district without being ill, was feeling quite proud of myself. At the top of the second hill, the lane in Windsor where Elton John lives, a huge groups of cyclist went by in the opposite direction, so I thought ‘what the heck..’ and tagged on to the end, without an idea of who they were or where they were going.

It was such fun! In a big groups you get shielded from the wind so it makes life easier and you can bowl along at a cracking pace with much less effort than when on your own. It was like being in the Tour de France, like looking out of the window of a train on a bend with all the bikes spread out in front of me. I did not have the courage to take a shot whilst riding, more’s the pity.

Turns out the group was these guys http://www.hounslowanddistrictwheelers.co.uk/ out for their Sunday jaunt. Next time I have a Sunday free (2007 perhaps..) I’ll go all the way with them.

I spent the moring on Wednesday in a plumbing emporium. Not handling the taps and turning the valves but shooting the new MD and some of his water retaining produce.

Much of this was done with my www.Lumedyne.com  battery lights that I love and have revolutionised my work. Tons of power- anywhere you want it. So I was able to get studio quality lighting in the rainy car park in Woolwich.

The hairy fella making a furtive exit clutching a shower head is me, snapped by the store mamager who had already been in too many pictures himself. Must get a haircut… and some better trousers..and some new shoes….

This was another fun shoot - pictures of all the spokespeople from an international IT company. A great location with lots of places to use as backgounds and lots of natural light- it makes life easier for both the shooter and the subject.

I love this kind of work - a chance to talk to people and find out what makes them tick. The guy bottom right lives round the corner from Hugo and Sharon who run the charity I work with in Africa, and knew them quite well. How bizarre is that!?

Recently my dear wife purchased a new rug to grace our living space. It looks splendid. However, since its arrival about one month ago I am distressed to note the PHENOMENAL increase in fluff in the house! Its unbelievable. I like to sit on the rug and eat cheese whilst dressed in my usual arty-farty uniform of black trousers and black everything else - after 3 slices of cheddar and an episode of Dad’s Army I stand up looking like a snow leopard.

We vacuum clean it every day but to no avail! Its like the magician pulling colour hankies out of a hat- the fluff just keeps coming and coming and coming. Its everywhere. Our cat could be completely bald and we’d never notice because it would still be fully fured in the fluff it picked up off the blessed rug.

Last night during a KK meeting I used a £1 coin I found in my pocket to scrape fluff from small area about 30cm square using a gentle stroking motion over a period of about 30mins. The result can be seen in the photo below - a whole pasta bowl full.

The entire mat is 3m x 2m so I calculate that the total amount of fluff to be easily extracted from the whole rug would be 6666x larger than the mount in the photo- in other words, enough to fill an entire double-decker bus!!! (or something) I mean- whats the point of that? You buy a rug and it produces more than its own area cubed in fluff choking up the vacuum cleaner and making your house look like tumbleweed city!? I give up.

I found this guy in the coffee plantations north of Ruiru. His ‘Black Mamba’ bike has a sign on it saying he was a local photographer. (’Mississippis Photographer’ was his trading name- I can’t spell it either!)  He told me there was not so much photography work so he was carting hay for shillings. It was a steep hill and he was a tiny fellow - he looked knackered and was pouring sweat, but he stopped and we had a great conversation. I had all my gear but he showed no envy and did not ask for a ‘contribution’ which is about the first time that has ever happened. Normally, if you get a camera out the locals coming running from miles around with arms outstretched after a ‘modelling fee’!

This is just about the best wedding story I’ve heard, and its true because I know both the parties involved. I may not have got the exact phrases correct but the gist of it is right.

i A friend’s mother was at the brides home on the morning of a wedding whilst everyone was getting ready and asked the bride’s mother was there was anything she could do to help? To which the answer came - ‘you could ice the wedding cake’. Our heroine laughed heartily thinking it to be a jokey comment, only to be asked ‘why are you laughing? will you ice it or not?’.   GULP!

ii Same friend’s father-in-law was in a similar situation at a different wedding (at least I hope it was a different wedding or something was really wrong!!) He asked the same sort of question about 20mins before they were all due to go to church, only to be told ‘well, you could mow the lawn actually’.

Moral of the story - just sit and read the paper until its time to go….